August 2010
4 posts
I Did it Again.
Only three cuts on each arm tonight. Two were exceptionally deep but there wasn’t much blood. I haven’t been drinking as much water as I normally do. I still need to eat more protein. I could definitely taste the lack of water. After the third cut I had to take a break because I was getting light headed. I still am. The ones one my left arm are the deepest, I can feel the wind from my...
Sitting here thinking about all the past hurt.
Things being brought up that I haven’t thought about for a while. I don’t know why but something about tonight has caused me to revert back for a while. Ten cuts. Five on each arm. Four horizontal and one vertical on each. A third of a roll of toilet paper. Half of what I had left of rubbing alcohol to clean up and sting a bit more. I remember this feeling. After my third cut my eyes...
Anonymous asked: The way your post about nerds described them makes it sound like nerds are borderline autistic. Was that your intention...?
Didn't follow through with the not eating.
I’m both glad and angry. But mostly glad.
June 2010
4 posts
Instead I decided to smoke a bunch of weed and try...
1 tag
We don't have any money and we don't have much...
Together my mom and I have forty-nine bucks. She doesn’t get paid till the thirtieth and the manager at McDonald’s needs to return my calls about getting into and orientation. I’m secretly glad we don’t have either because I plan on eating nothing but baby carrots for the foreseeable future. Four carrots three times a day, after which I’ll do thirty sit ups and thirty...
“Why am I still alive?”
– Me five minutes ago.
Two posts in one.
Just thinking about old friends.
One in particular, a blue eyed girl, has me particularly upset. One day she decides not to be friends anymore and won’t tell me why. She promised me she would tell me why. I try to reach out to her, to keep things open, I says to her “Hey, if you ever just wanna hang out let me know, I miss hanging out with you,” and she says “I...
March 2010
3 posts
Just in case you forgot.
I’m driftingthrougspacetime. I think it’s okay to put that here because the people who follow me on here are following me because this is my personal blog. For some reason I just thought I’d let you know.
My wallet was stolen, my mom has broken my trust yet again, I eat nothing but shit, my dog is suffering from a case of mange picked up at petco, I’m overweight, I’m unattractive, I’m unfocused, I’m jaded, and I can’t take much more. For the past three weeks I’ve thought about ending it all. Sometimes it seems like what I can get out of life just isn’t...
Oh god I am insanely depressed.
I just layed face down on the floor hoping that that would make me feel better. Every time I think about my life I want to stop living. I don’t mean kill myself just kinda fade out. It might be fun to not need anything. I think that’s why I keep going on is because I think that once my needs are fulfilled that I’ll be able to go away or something. I don’t know anything...
January 2010
2 posts
I found some cyclobenzaprine a while back.
I remembered that I found them a week or two ago. They’re gone now. And now I feel like shit. Not from the pills just from life.
I cut last night but what else's new?
Two major ones and a bunch of smaller ones. Both of the majors weren’t as deep as I wanted so I got pissed and just started razing the area around. I can’t even fuck myself up right anymore.
Tonight I’m feeling horrible. I don’t really know how to explain it. It feels sorta like there’s all this stuff in my head but my head’s too small. But then it gets mixed...
December 2009
6 posts
Ramblings of a sick man.
I sit here with stars made of laser beams playing across my room. Music is pumping out of my small laptop speakers. My throat hurts and my breath reeks of cherry throat lozenges and sickness. My back and neck hurt. I’m sitting in a mess of a comforters and pillows. I’m thinking about things. They don’t really have a category. Just… things. Mostly though, I just think about...
I like listening to people talk about their pasts.
The thing is, nobody’s ever asked me about mine. I’ve always had to almost force people to listen to my story. I’m always there to comfort people and when I need comfort the only thing I have is my pillow and my dog. Today I realized that my dog is about nine years old. Within the next decade she’ll be gone. When I move out I won’t get to see her that often. When...
I can tell I'm gonna cry myself to sleep tonight...
I just want someone to hold and be held by.
I cried myself to sleep last night.
Oh yeah, I burned again tonight.
Three on each flank. The worst part is I’m feeling really good right now. It’s probably just the endorphins.
Right now I just want a hand rolled cigarette, a...
I don’t want a girl to have sex with, I want a girl to exist with.
November 2009
6 posts
So I found out why I don't like the way I look.
It’s my body hair. I shaved my torso and I actually look normal. I know I’m gonna with a few nasty ingrown hairs but it was worth it to see how I look without all the nasty. It is now my goal to save up enough money to get laser hair removal. Hey, at least I’m not talking about taking a knife and altering my face or vacuuming out fat or something.
Due to my own dickery, I stayed up all night doing...
Goddamn you GBA emulator and <1000 roms.
I'm starting to burn again.
Twice last night and six times tonight. Well, only four, but two of them didn’t come out the way I wanted so I reheated and burned again. I just get a metal object and a lighter, heat up the object until it’s red hot, in this case a safety pin (oh the irony), let it cool for about three to five seconds, and press it to the flesh. I guess cutting isn’t doing it any more....
College: $n. Food: $50-$100. Gas: $75.
Realizing that I have only two or three friends, that I’m not very sociable, that I’m not very marketable, I’m single and due to my lack of social skills and experience it’s gonna stay that way for a while, and that the only reason I feel like I have a lot friends who talk to me is tumblr: Fucking priceless.
Status Update:
Almost ODed a few months back.
Mom found me in a stupor.
No more pills.
I’m still trying to deal with the cutting.
No job, no money, no girlfriend.
That’s about it.
I've been triggering more and more lately.
Last time I cut was about a week ago. 16 times. Four per limb. None were as deep as they used to be. I can’t even fuck myself up right anymore.
August 2009
4 posts
Fuck fuck fuck
I thought life was getting better. I started to feel confident. And then today happens. I met a girl. She’s amazing. She’s an artist who’s looking into Anthropology. She wants to become an Anthropologist, just like me. We really seemed to hit it off. I gave her a ride home and we talked on the way their. We shared secrets. Then she starts to talk about how she came out to her...
Right now I want to go curl up in the shower and...
I’m feeling really overwhelmed.
Relapse
Pills and more cuts. I’m going to hate myself for this, but for now I love it.
The no-name monkey.
I feel like I’m going through withdrawls. I haven’t been using anything as of late and I haven’t been cutting, so what the hell is this?
It’s probably some variation of crippling lonliness or something. I’ve been feeling pretty unloved as of late. I know, boo hoo. But that’s the best way to describe it.
Right now it’s 3:02 in the morning, and suddenly,...
July 2009
18 posts
I am a sad, sad little man.
The rush.
You down those little magic beans. Then you wait. It creeps up on you. Then when it hits, everything’s okay. You feel love. Your troubles melt away.
When it hits, I actualy like myself. I feel like I’m normal. I’m not a bad person. I do bad things, but I never hurt anyone on purpose.
I feel it. I want to feel everything. All sensations. I’m being bombarded with love.
...
Razors and chemicals can only take away the pain...
I hate myself for it. I hate myself for a lot of reasons.
I am my own shattered dream.
I am my own disgust.
I am my own dissatisfaction.
Fuck tonight
Just so my followers know, I will now start all posts with fuck. Wanna know why? Fuck if I know. I like the word fuck. So… Fuck it I guess.
Also, I feel pretty down. Just thought I should warn you.
I turned eighteen a few days ago. What have I done since then? Gotten my license and played videogames with a friend.
I wish I had my own place. You know, the kind that’s way too small...
On nerds and the girls who claim to love them and...
So I keep seeing all these girls who claim that they love nerds. That’s fine. Actually I’m all for it. But the thing is, don’t just say that and then go for some guy who’s seen LoTR and plays Super Mario. I love em both, but just because you’ve done both doesn’t qualify you as a nerd. Let me describe a nerd for you:
They’re really socially akward....
When I die, if there is a god.
And he looks down at me and asks “What do you have to say for yourself?”
I will say “I lived the best god damned life I could. I lived everyday as if it were my last. I’ve done some things I’m not proud of, everybody has, but I’ll be damned if I regretted one second of it. And if you think that makes me a bad person, I’d rather spend eternity in a lake of...
My mother.
Throughout the past few years, she’s provided me financial support, but that’s it. We’re two different people. She’s been nothing but an obstacle for the past two, which is roughly about the same time I let her know I’m Buddhist. Apparently, not believing in a sky daddy makes me a bad person, so she needs to punish me as much as possible.
Also, she’s been...
I just want to leave everything.
I want to move to a new country, learn a different language, meet new people, and start really living my life. Sometimes it’s like that’s the only way to get away from the stranglehold I call a social network which I have created. Too many personas for too many people. I hate facades, but apparently in western civilization, you can’t just be one person, you have to be thirty...
You know what, fuck EVERYTHING.
Fuck most of today's music.
Fuck the suburbs.
Whenever I look around suburbia, I see plastic faces, false morality, and so much hipocracy I actually think about killing myself. It’s ridiculous. Sometimes I just want to walk up to one of the suburbanites, punch them in the face, and just start yelling at them.
Dear soccer moms: Your son pops pills and your daughter started giving blowjobs in the sixth grade.
Dear Starbucks: Your sales...
I trust people easily. I hate myself for that.
I cut and it feels good.
One day, I will find a girl just as fucked up as I...
That is my dream, girl. One who I can share everything with. I have problems. I want her to too.