My wallet was stolen, my mom has broken my trust yet again, I eat nothing but shit, my dog is suffering from a case of mange picked up at petco, I’m overweight, I’m unattractive, I’m unfocused, I’m jaded, and I can’t take much more. For the past three weeks I’ve thought about ending it all. Sometimes it seems like what I can get out of life just isn’t worth what I put into it.
I have no ID, no social security card, no driver’s license, no atm card, and no cash. I’m behind in my classes. The only thing that gives me joy is sitting in front of Revue and talking to the people who stop by to chat. That’s it. That’s what I’m living for. I lost my best friend because she wanted to drift apart. I’m okay with her wanting to end the friendship but every day I hate myself more and more because I didn’t even fight for our friendship to survive. I have no one to talk to. My last attempt to have a conversation with my mom ended with her scolding me for thinking about something so stupid.
I sat outside the psychologist’s office on campus last week for fifteen minutes trying to convince myself to go in because of how depressed I was feeling. I guess I got over it so I left instead of going in. I worry about my future every day and every day I’m seeing less and less of it. It’s like I’m trapped in a Skinner’s Box with electrodes attached to the pellet bar.
I asked my mom how to say “Independent” or “Self sufficient” in arabic. The closest thing she could think of was Lahallack which means “Alone.” At this point that seems to be a better name than Rafidi. I changed my name to Rafidi in honor of my grandfather but my mother has brought nothing but disrespect, alienation, and shame to that name for me. That’s a harsh thing to say but it’s also the truest.
There’s no one left. There’s nothing left. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
