Sitting here thinking about all the past hurt.
Things being brought up that I haven’t thought about for a while. I don’t know why but something about tonight has caused me to revert back for a while. Ten cuts. Five on each arm. Four horizontal and one vertical on each. A third of a roll of toilet paper. Half of what I had left of rubbing alcohol to clean up and sting a bit more. I remember this feeling. After my third cut my eyes rolled back and I sighed. The endorphins must’ve kicked in. Free. Enlightened. If just for a little bit. Every time I move my arms I’m reminded that I’m alive. Two fistfuls of blood and alcohol soaked toilet paper. Roll up two razors, both slightly dulled but both clean. Twist on the cap to the little train engineer’s light. One flush. All gone. Now only the constant stinging. I can feel which ones are deeper. I could taste how healthy I am. Too irony. Need more water and protein in the day to day. Gotta cut down on the sodium. Now it’s just slow scabs, smeared blood, and the tangy scent of alcohol. All the while not thinking. Well except for one thing. If only there was someone else. Someone to cling to when this hunger takes me. Maybe ten less scars then there will be?
